Its important to forgive because the resentments that we hold onto mostly affect us, not the other person that we are angry with. Any resentments that we hold get in the way of our happiness. Much like spots on a windshield, we can’t see our lives effectively if we haven’t washed off the spots that get in the way of our clarity. Our brain records all our memories and our emotions together. You may have found yourself driving down the road and thinking about a past event, even though the event is over and done, as you think about the event, you experience the same emotions that you felt at the time. As you think of an old argument, you feel angry or frustrated all over again. It’s hard to move your life forward if you keep getting sucked into negative emotions of the past. If we carry lot of resentments, it gets in the way of our quality of life.
Another way to think of forgiving is to think of it as letting go. Even though some people may not “deserve” forgiveness, we don’t forgive them for their sake, we forgive for our own wellbeing. Forgiving the past can improve your quality of life, it can improve your happiness, and allow you greater clarity in moving forward. As we forgive others, we are better able to move forward in our lives, without getting sucked into the negatives of the past. Here’s my 6 steps to forgiveness:
1. Identify any positive lessons from the situation. Sometimes the positive lessons can be how to avoid such a situation in the future.
2. Fix the negative ideas. From negative experiences, we can take on negative ideas about life, the world, other people, or ourselves. Identify any negative ideas you picked up from the event and replace it with more positive and supportive ideas. For example, one client I had going through a divorce picked up the idea, or “relationships are painful” but this idea led her to avoid dating and getting involved. So look at the ideas you took on from the situation and change them to ones that will be more positive and supporting.
3. Process the negative emotions. Get clear about what you felt from the event. Journaling about the event is helpful for identifying negative emotions and expressing your emotions about the situation.
4. Make a Choice. With the negative events we experience, sometimes its easy to feel like a victim, that these negative things happen to us. But, recognize that you can make a new choice. Say, “I choose to let this situation go.”
5. Change the memory with visualization. Imagine seeing the other people involved in the situation, and imagine yourself in a bubble of light (especially helpful for traumatic events as if the bubble is a shield or protection). See each of the people in their own bubble and imagine sending them back to themselves. Imagine seeing the situation as you would have liked to experience it. For example, if you had an argument with someone, imagine seeing the resolution of the argument. This changes how the brain codes the memory, so that when you remember the event, it will also have the information of the changed memory.
6. Call on your Higher Power. If you are having a difficult time letting go of the past event or the feelings of hurt, ask your higher power to help you release and let go of the situation. You only have to be willing to let go, and offer it up to your higher power.
You deserve to feel good in your life. You can’t feel really clear about moving forward if you haven’t made peace with your past. With these six steps, you’ll feel lighter, clearer and more positive about life with a greater ability to live in the present moment, and see a brighter future.
Holly Stokes, The Brain Trainer, works with clients all across the U.S. to Get More Of What You Want Out of Life! Whether Life Happiness, Weight Loss, Love and Relationships or Business Success, she uses Life Coaching for creating clarity and direction with your goals, and “brain training” to set up your mind for success with motivation and focus to achieve what you want. www.BrainTrainerCoach.com
How’s your life happiness? On a scale of 1-10, 10 being extremely happy, how would you rate your happiness? Happiness for some seems to be random, occurring as a result of what we have or don’t have. Happiness can seem to be a fleeting feeling, something that passes quickly when we’ve fulfilled a goal or accomplishment. Often we think of happiness as something that happens to us, seemingly at random, or we are happy when we get what we want, and unhappy when we don’t get what we want.
We all have ups and downs in life. But rather than letting our happiness be at random or dependent on what we do or don’t have, happiness is also a choice. Here’s my top 7 tips for greater life happiness, allowing it to be more predictable in your life, and allowing you to have more control over your happiness.
1.Accept where you are now. Whatever is going on in your life, its okay to be where you are in your life now, recognize that you are learning important lessons that you can grow from. Let the lessons grow who you are rather than caving into feeling defeated. And, recognize that even if you are in a difficult place, life will change – whether 3 months, 6 months or a year from now, you will be in a different place. Ask yourself, “What am I learning in this situation?” Even when life is tough, we can focus on the positive things that we are learning, and be thankful for the positive lessons.
2.Take Care of your Feelings: There are so many things in our culture that are ready to distract us from the negative emotions that we feel. Whether its television, food, chocolate, wine, movies, there are always things that seem more fun than listening to what we feel. Take some quiet time in your day to pay attention to what you are feeling. Recognize that emotions are only messengers, and the emotions will pass if you notice them and recognize them for their message. Ask, “What is this feeling telling me?” and then breathe into the center of the emotion and it will fade. I offer some NLP tools for transforming negative emotions in my book, Lighten Up Train your Brain to Lose Weight, or you can find them in my blog.
3. Keep a Smile List – Think of all the things that make you smile, things you are grateful for, things that give you warm fuzzies. Keep it in a place that you can review daily. Smiling releases serotonin in the brain, the “feel- good” neurotransmitter. Smiling engages our brain to think of positive thoughts and memories, and when we are smiling, its more difficult to think of negative thoughts. Smiling also has health benefits like boosting the immune system and lowering blood pressure.
4. Be Social – Talking with friends or family members and engaging in social activity causes improved mental states, plus there’s the smile factor. We are more likely to smile while talking with others. Smiling is contagious, when we smile, others smile in response to us, and thus we smile even more. Being social has been found to boost our immune system as well.
5.Physical Exercise: Any physical exercise that engages the opposite sides of the body can help rebalance the hemispheres of your brain. Whether walking, biking or playing sports, physical activity can also work to release endorphins, the feel good brain chemicals. Some studies have actually found that cases of depression and anxiety cleared up with regular exercise.
6.Focus on What you Want. As a life coach, I often ask my clients about what they want. Typically, before I hear about what they do want, I hear a laundry list of all the negative things they don’t want. We get what we focus on, if we are focused on what we don’t want and the negatives in our life, then not only is our mood dour, but we are giving our unconscious mind directions to focus more on the negatives, and so our brain radar is tuned into more of the negatives, and so that is what we experience is more negatives. If however, we stay focused on what we want, we are tuning our brain into the positives, and so we experience more of the positives.
7.Get Help to Rewire the Negatives: Sometimes there is a part of our mind that gets stuck on a negative perspective. For example, this last week, I worked with a client who still carried feelings of loss from his divorce. As he thought about what he wanted in the future, he felt depressed, because this part of his mind was thinking, “what if I lose everything I’ve worked for again?” After we helped rewire that negative pattern, his mood shifted and he was better able to imagine creating the positive things he wanted for himself. When a part of your mind is wired into a negative thought pattern, it can be really difficult to shift it on your own. If you’ve experienced recurring negative thoughts or feelings, excessive worry or stress, you might want to try a “brain training” session. Try a Starter Strategy Session, only $25, See details here: http://www.expandingpotentials.net/lifecoaching.html
Here’s to your Health, Happiness and Success!
Holly Stokes, The Brain Trainer
I help you get more of what you want out life! Life Coaching gives you clarity in your life direction, purpose and goals. Brain Training rewires negative mental habits and patterns. Set up your mind with positive new mental strategies: greater focus, accomplishment, boost motivation and confidence and even eliminate self sabotage. Life Happiness * Weight Loss and Health * Love and Relationships * Business Focus
Let’s keep it simple. Your unwanted behaviors – even if they are automatic – are simply behaviors and habits – or mental pathways. They are something you’ve learned, and you can learn something new. In fact, you are learning new things – and creating new neuronal pathways – all the time. By engaging your inner wisdom and working with, rather than against, the part of you in charge of the behavior, you will find it much easier to make the change – and keep it.
This new approach engages your wisdom and transforms the behavior through compassion and awareness. By addressing these challenges with insight and wisdom, you can embrace your whole self in moving forward on the journey of life. Change can be easy and fun as you pay attention to your deeper awareness and motivations, re-‘source’ the negatives, and create alignment with the life you really want!
The problem is not your behavior as much as what is driving your behavior. Weight problems are only a symptom. If you address the underlying meanings and use your inner awareness to refocus the part of you in charge of the behavior, you can adopt new behaviors and strategies – and the problem will transform!
Underneath all the behaviors that get in your way is an underlying desire for something positive. So, the next time you find yourself drawn to the old habit ask yourself, “What do I really want?” This is a great question to post on your refrigerator. Whenever you find yourself headed to get a snack, if you ask yourself, “what do I really want?” you can understand the cravings.
The part of you in charge of the old behavior, the part that doesn’t want to change, is still trying to get something positive for you. There is a higher intention behind the behavior. Rather than having to go through the negative behavior to connect with the positive feeling or sense of something, it’s even more useful to connect with the sense of something first. I often hear that eating sweets is about life enjoyment. But, you don’t have to eat pastries to enjoy life. If you have limited your life enjoyment to foods, open your awareness to enjoying life in other ways. What lights you up? What brings you true joy? By spending more time doing the things you love, you’ll create inner alignment with your conscious and unconscious motives, so that you can finally have the body, life, and health you want!
This is an excerpt from my book, Lighten Up Train your Brain to Lose Weight, see more details here: http://www.lightenup.me/book/
Motivation is a key to your success. But how do you get motivated? How do you tap into your deeper self and engage your inner drive?
Chances are you’ve been holding yourself hostage with your goal, thinking you can’t feel good about yourself, or feel accomplished, until you’ve achieved the goal. No wonder you feel frustrated!
The real secret behind your goal is – it’s not really about the goal! Ask the magic question: What is this going to get for me? As you answer this question, ask this question again. Keep asking the question until you follow your answers to your plan’s higher purpose, or a ‘sense of something.’ You will find that your goal is really about a feeling, the higher purpose of your goal. And here is the secret behind the plan’s higher feeling: you don’t have to wait until you’ve achieved the goal to connect with this feeling. You can have it now!
In order to keep yourself moving forward, connect with the positive feelings you are really looking for, or what you think the goal or plan will bring you. For example, if your higher purpose of the goal (losing weight) is to feel better about you, as you focus on feeling better about you now, you’ll be more inspired to make the healthy choices that nourish and support you. The secret is, we don’t have to do anything to connect with these positive feelings – we can connect with these positive feelings now!
Many of us tend to have negative habits in how we see ourselves. For example, when you look in a mirror, what do you think to yourself? You might notice your imperfections or focus on what you don’t like. You may criticize and belittle yourself, and then expect to be motivated when you just undercut your own efforts. How do you feel when you are criticized? It probably makes you shrink back, feel small and withdrawn. Criticism saps your energy and causes you to feel down or depressed. If you are creating self-resentment through criticism, you are destroying your own motivation.
Now notice the times you were encouraged, supported and appreciated for your efforts. Were you motivated to do more, even excited and enthused? Did you stand a little taller, feel more positive and inspired to reach out beyond your old comfort zone?
As you notice what you are doing well, and appreciate yourself and your body, you will have more fuel for staying on track and motivated. If you want to find more motivation and enthusiasm for the change you are making, focus on the positives. To connect with the positive emotions you are truly looking for, you don’t have to do anything, you can feel them even as quickly as thinking about it!
This is an excerpt from my book, Lighten Up Train your Brain to Lose Weight, see more details here: www.lightenup.me/book
Whatever we focus on will grow.
If you are focusing on the problem—guess what? The problem gets bigger, if only in your mind!
A common perception is that we are at war with anything we don’t like. We fight cancer and disease, we have declared war on drugs, but these problems only get bigger. We fight with ourselves trying to control cravings, but because we focus on the problems, they get larger.
If I feel down about myself and reach for a comfort food and then berate myself for eating it saying “I am undisciplined,” I will most likely feel guilty. I then feel worse and reach for more comfort food, which causes me to gain weight, feel bad about myself and so I reach for more comfort food. . . and the cycle continues.
If I give myself positive encouragement, I feel good about myself. As I feel good about myself, I have more energy; as I have more energy, I feel more motivated to follow through on my goals.
Rather than focusing on what isn’t working, focus on what is working. As you notice what’s working, you can do more of what’s working so you can get the results you want. Maybe you have learned a lot about weight release and what doesn’t work for you, and with all the learning you’ve been doing, it will be so much easier to move forward in a new way!
If you give a child a bicycle, how many chances does he get to learn to ride? He gets as many as it takes.
And if he falls off the bike, would you say he failed?
Of course not. Even though the child may fall off, he is still learning. The mind and body are taking note of the adjustments that need to be made. The brain is making calculations about balance and coordination, and the next time the child saddles the bike, it becomes easier and he is more successful. The child gets as many chances as it takes to learn to ride the bicycle.
So, really, in the picture of learning and growing there is no failure; there is only learning and results. If you don’t like your results, it’s simply time to make some changes and adjustments.
Make these agreements with yourself now:
Failure doesn’t exist; there is only learning and results.
I choose to recognize my learning so I can get better results.
I agree to notice what is working for me so I can do more of what’s working for me.
We are all learning and growing on this planet earth. No one is expected to be perfect, just like we wouldn’t expect a child to be perfect in riding a bicycle for the first time. The secret is, anything you want to feel you can access at any time even just by thinking about it. Keep your mind focused on what you do want.Practice loving who you are. If you feel positive about you, that positive energy radiates into all areas of your life.
This is an excerpt from my book, Lighten Up Train your Brain to Lose Weight, see more details here: www.lightenup.me/book
I just uploaded a new video to youtube: Train your Brain to Curb your Cravings. We just took the video on Saturday from the class, and we are running a 6 week Train your Brain to Lose Weight series on Sat. Oct. 1 in downtown Vancouver: 205 E 16th St. uptown Village, email to reserve your place if you can join us.
Watch the video to discover how our brain can get in the way of our weight loss goals and what you can do about it – to train your brain to work for you rather than against you!
Have you ever experienced self-sabotage? You may have felt, “It’s as if a part of me wants to and a part of me doesn’t,” or it’s as if the devil is on one shoulder and an angel is on the other and you find yourself caught between the two.
If you’ve struggled with the same goal or challenge over and over, it’s because a deeper part of your mind doesn’t want the change. When these automatic programs are working against our conscious goals, what we experience is self-sabotage.
By using the language of the unconscious mind and working with your deeper awareness, you can engage your deeper mind to work for you rather than against you.
I was teaching a healthy lifestyle class and it was week four. As my students filed in, I started class with the question, “So what are you doing for exercise?” I got blank stares. “It’s week four now, you know you are supposed to be adding in exercise.” More silence.
Suddenly, one of the ladies blurted out, “If we liked to exercise we wouldn’t be here!” My NLP ears perked up and I asked, “Okay, so when you think of exercise what comes to mind?” The ladies took turns: “Sweaty!” “Stinky!” “Hard!” “Yuck!”
Because of their history with exercise, these ladies had negative feelings attached to the concept of exercise. Our unconscious mind scans through the history, both positive and negative, and sums it up with a feeling. If we have negative feelings connected to an activity, we are less motivated to do it. Our unconscious mind usually speaks to us through feelings. It’s also active when we are sleeping and often uses symbolism, imagery, and metaphor while we sleep.
We can update the automatic programs our unconscious mind operates by speaking its own language: using images, pictures, symbols, and feelings more than words and logic. This is why guided visualizations work so well: we are speaking to our unconscious mind using its own language.
The next time you experience procrastination or self sabotage, start giving yourself positive mental pictures about what you’d rather be doing, the actions that you want to take, or even how you’d like to feel. As you picture it in your mind, it speaks volumes to your unconscious mind and you can get it working with you rather than against you!
The tools of applied psychology are expanding quickly and we no longer need to spend years struggling to create personal change. It’s easier than ever to update old habits and patterns and take charge of your health so you can enjoy living your best life!
This is an excerpt from my book, Lighten Up Train your Brain to Lose Weight, see more details here: www.lightenup.me/book
“The inflammatory state that causes metabolic syndrome, obesity, and diabetes is also what leads to brain inflammation. A high calorie, fat-rich diet causes inflammatory toxins to be expressed in the hypothalamus {center of the brain}, contributing to changes in brain function. The outcome is insulin resistance and a reduction in the brain’s ability to signal that your stomach is full. This leads to overeating and weight gain. In other words, the brain of an overeater is inflamed.
Dietary & Supplemental De-flaming of the Brain
The reduction of systemic {whole body} inflammation can begin at your next meal. A diet rich in vegetables, fruit, and lean meat reduces systemic inflammation. Instead of eating empty, harmful calories from pastries and sweets, try nuts and seeds. Grains, legumes, and dairy should be consumed in modest amounts. Foods that should be avoided include refined sugar, flour, and oils, as they are all highly inflammatory and yet, at this point, they represent approximately 60% of the calories consumed by Americans.
For more information, ask: Dr. Michelle Newcome, DC, CNS Email: qrclinic@gmail.com
As we close 2010, it’s a great time to review the year and look forward to a bright new future in 2011. Here is a wonderful New Year tradition. Write down all the things you want to let go of from the past year on strips of paper. If you are doing this in a group, let each person say what they are letting go of as you pass the bowl around the circle or you can do it in silence. Then, burn the papers either in the fireplace, or on a metal plate outside, and as you watch the paper curl up and the smoke ascend, this offers your unconscious mind great symbolism for letting go.
Then, write down all that you’d like 2011 to bring you in the coming year. Phrase it in the positive, so rather than saying, “No Debt” phrase it as, “Surplus Money.” Fold it up and tape it to the bottom of your pillow so that it doesn’t get lost. As you sleep at night, resting your head on your pillow, your unconscious mind is reminded of all the positive things you want to see in your life. As you (and your unconscious mind) focus on these things, you begin to notice the opportunities and synchronicities that show up for you.
Another wonderful way to cue your brain into what you want, is to create a vision board. Get a large cardboard piece, and cut out pictures from magazines that represent the things you want for yourself. Place it in a prominent place. These pictures give your brain a visual cue for focusing on the positives you want to create in your life, every time you see it – you are feeding your brain, and your dreams!
May the coming year bring you happiness, joy, health, love, wealth and all that you desire! Here’s to 2011 – Bring it on Baby!
Schedule a complimentary 2011 Vision Strategy Session. 30 min to help you get clear and focused for your coming year. Schedule online: http://www.tungle.me/hollystokes or call me 360-524-2657.